Via Regia

Unable to find a suitable beginning place for the Journey Toward Deep Fatherhood, my inaugural blog is ushered in with images of roads. Historically, the Persian Royal Road was an ancient highway reorganized and rebuilt by the Persian King Darius of the Achaemenid Empire in the 5th century BC. Interestingly, the road did not follow the shortest or the easiest route between the important cities it connected. In the last century, Freud and Jung both called dreams a via regia (royal road) to the unconscious. Jung would later include active imagination as another via regia.

“All roads lead to Rome” is a simplification of the early roman phrase, Mille viae ducunt homines per saecula Romam (A thousand roads lead men forever to Rome.). At my 10-yr old daughter’s class presentation last night on ancient South American civilizations, I learned that the Incans built over 14,000 miles of roads that were only allowed to be used by messengers and royalty. There is a temple at an ashram in central Virginia, perhaps the only one of its kind, that houses an altar for every major faith and also faiths less well-known and those not yet known in which it is believed that all paths lead to God. And of course, there is Robert Frost’s road less travelled (which has indeed made all the difference).

It is with images of all these different kinds of roads and paths in mind that I begin this blog. I am getting up off the side of the road, and starting to walk, write, and imagine the way. Not knowing where I’m bound, I embark with a knowing that any road upon which we travel is indeed via regia, and that all roads lead forever home. This road, on this day, is as good as any to begin the Journey Toward Deep Fatherhood, and so here we go…

Not Everyone is a Centerfielder

Every spring for the past 75 years, a ritualized tradition is quietly re-enacted across the land: Boys from all walks of life pack up their big league dreams, grab a glove, and try out for their local little league baseball teams. With the help of dads, moms, and baseball coaches, the players sort themselves out into positions at the beginning on the first day. The scrappy smallish kid is put at 2nd base. The lanky left-hander is given the funny glove and told to go to 1st. The strong stocky kid is handed the catcher’s gear. And so on. Everyone either self selects, or is placed according to his dreams or the traditions of the game. (After all, who ever heard of a lanky left-hander playing 2nd?) As boys, it is handed down to us right at the very beginning that not everyone is a centerfielder.

In thinking about the Journey Toward Deep Fatherhood, todays fathers (unlike previous generations) are expected to take part in prenatal classes. We are now in the delivery room. These changes may have been instituted in an effort to tie the father more closely to the new mother and child. Given the divorce rates and levels of infidelity for couples at this stage of relationship, one could argue that this strategy is not working. I take a controversial stance and argue that it may even be detrimental, at least for the male.

Women have been delivering children since the dawn of creation without the help of the father. Fathers have historically waited outside the cave, the hut, or the delivery room. All of a sudden, in the last 25 years fathers have been invited or have been expected to be in the delivery room, playing centerfield, as it were. Watching vaginas dilate and transform into organs of delivery is certainly a miracle. However, I am curious to know the impact on the father’s deep psyche. He now knows that what was once a sex organ for him, an organ through which he experiences the depths of his own intimacy, masculinity, and humanity, is now something entirely different as well. How does this experience impact the way in which he views both his partner and himself? How does he juxtapose his passionate sexuality and his yearning for deep physical connection with the biology of motherhood? Is he able to hold both of these psychically? The levels of infidelity and the divorce rates may suggest that the answer is “not without great difficulty.”

So, you players – you guys who have grabbed your gloves and your dreams of being a big league dad, give it some thought! Despite the fact that the culture is now expecting it, you might not actually want to play centerfield! You (and your relationship) may be better served in the long run by having you be an assistant coach that day, or scorekeeper, or bat boy. After all, we can’t all be Mickey Mantle!

Voci Patris (Voice of the father)

Where is the voice of the father in our culture? Does the father even have a voice here anymore? Where is he? Where did he go?

Fathers today find themselves in uncharted waters. As partners, we are being asked to be in relationship in fundamentally different ways than our fathers were just a short generation ago. As dads, we are now being asked to engage with our children in entirely new and more meaningful ways. Where are the voices of fathers leading the way? Where are the mentors and the role models? Who is making the new way toward authentic fatherhood? Who bears the responsibility for carving the new paths?

As a man, I get it when asked to be a hero: I see soldiers and athletes of all stripes leading the way. (As they have for generations.) When asked to be successful in business or politics, I get it. I see those who have gone before and I know that whatever success I have rests upon their shoulders.

But when I need to find the way as a father, where do I turn? To whom do I look? What ground do I put my ear to? Kings, warriors, heroes, lovers – a man has cultural underpinning for all of these. Their voices are heard on all of those fronts (for better or worse) in the culture and throughout history.

And I find that there is a place in my heart and in my head for all of them. But what about the father? Where are the great paternal traditions in our culture? Where are our role models leading way toward deep fatherhood? Who is teaching us and telling us the stories that light the way? Where is the voci patris – the voice of the father – the authentic father – in the world?

Oh Daddy, Dear Daddy, Please Don’t Go Away…

The title above comes from the refrain an old song called, “The Dream of a Miner’s Child.” Despite the pleas of children, dads have gone away in unprecedented numbers in our society. They have moved away, been incarcerated, become warriors, or have disappeared into 60-hour work weeks. Many more have checked out emotionally, sending the confusing message to children that, ‘Daddy looks like he’s here, but he’s really gone.’

After children come, many couples decide to split up. Some dads leave altogether. Many try to stick around and remain involved. In either case, it is usually the mother who is left behind to pick up the pieces, do the real grunt work, and raise the kids on her own for the most part.

And yet the most intense emotions a man often displays center around his children. In a man’s heart, in that most tender of places, Daddy exists, and lives on, regardless of his relationship with his kids.

When a father leaves, or his children leave him, he carries the heaviness of the knowledge that things did not and are not turning out the way he had planned and dreamed they would.

Fathers long for a hearth and home, and for deep connection. Perhaps the sheer pain of being face-to-face with his own broken dreams keeps a father from coming around as much as he could. It is a lot to hold – each and every time. Even when visits with children go well, there can sometimes be a voice screaming inside a man’s head: “Daddy, where are you? Why aren’t you here? Daddy, what happened?”

Facing and holding the pain of this reality just might be more than many men bargained for. For some men, learning to stand in there with that voice is part of the work on the Journey Toward Deep Fatherhood.

Great Recipe for Authentic Fatherhood

Faced with the fact that our children do not come with instruction manuals, we are left to our own devices to come up with some good recipes for parenthood. Below is a great recipe for authentic fatherhood that I think many families will really enjoy! Feel free to modify as fits your taste buds.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Clip here – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Recipe

  Authentic Fatherhood

Serves 1-8 ★★★★

Authentic Fatherhood

Serves 1-8 ★★★★

Dry Ingredients:  Hopes-n-Dreams,  Fears,  The Past, Your  Partner’s Vision for Family Life,  Cultural Expectations,  Courage (dry only),  Mulligans

Wet Ingredients : Love (fresh squeezed),  Acceptance,  Humility,  Forgiveness , Inner Sight,  Selective Blindness

Directions

During Pregnancy

1. Whisk together equal parts Hopes-n-Dreams, Fears, and The Past. Add enough fresh squeezed Love to form a sticky mixture. Knead gently until a smooth dough is formed. Place in a warm (98.6°±) dark place and let rise/ferment for 9 months.

2. Check periodically and fold in generous amounts of Partner’s Vision for Family Life and Cultural Expectations.

Upon Arrival of Child (or Children)

1. Upon removal from warm dark place, immediately sprinkle in as much dry Courage as possible. Since babies do not come with Instruction Manuals, you will need as much dry Courage as the dough will hold to see you through along the way. (*Important Note: Liquid Courage does not work well at all in making authentic fatherhood! If you don’t have any dry, it is best just to leave it out altogether.)

2. Over the years, you will have to pour in Acceptance to prevent the dough from drying out. Unless tempered with Acceptance, the Hopes-n-Dreams can often overpower the flavor. You will know when you’ve added the right amount of Acceptance when you’re able nurture each child’s loftiest aspirations while also making space for their (and your own) inevitable shortcomings and failures.

3. Add in generous amounts of Humility and Forgiveness. You will need both because they compliment each other. Humility helps us ask for forgiveness when we’ve hurt someone, and for when you are overwhelmed by the task at hand. Forgiveness is for when they (or you) disappoint, fall short, and don’t live up. Keep plenty of each on hand, as you will need to continually add both of these ingredients throughout a lifetime.

4. Make a gravy of equal parts Inner Sight and Selective Blindness in a 9×12 roasting pan. Note: Inner Sight always helps you know what is coming up for you at any stage along the way with Authentic Fatherhood. Selective Blindness (along with selective mutism and selective deafness) is always readily available. They are very powerful flavorings that are particularly helpful during the child’s push toward independence and adulthood.

6. Reserve the Mulligans for basting purposes. How to use a parenting Mulligan: (1) Acknowledge your bad shot. (2) Apologize and ask for a re-do. (3) Tee it up and try it again.

This recipe can be handed down from generation to generation.

Parent Re-Boot

When my electronic devices start acting up, I tend to get all worked up about how big the problem is going to be. When I call the help desk, they almost always start with, “Turn it off and unplug it. Wait a few minutes and then turn it back on.” Miraculously, it fixes a majority of the problems.

Embarrassingly, I often get so worked up about the problem that I forget to try this simplest of solutions. I forget the magic of the re-boot. As a parent, it can be the same way with our children. When they are misbehaving, we tend to focus more on their unwanted behavior than on simple solutions.

When a child is misbehaving or acting out, it is often a sign that they are not getting enough attention from you. Developmentally, children want and need attention. If they don’t get it in positive ways, they will act out to get it in negative ways. Either way, they are just trying to get what they need.

Tired of battling with children? Are you constantly correcting unwanted behavior? Want to stop playing the referee between quarrelling children? Here are three simple “parental re-boots” you can do to get things headed in the right direction:

Re-Boot 1: Give your child (each child separately) some undivided attention for just a little while each day. It doesn’t have to be for a long time – even just a little in the morning and a little in the evening. If time is tight, then do it once a day. Put your laptop and cell phone away. Shut off the TV. Ask your child what he or she would like to do with you for the next little while, and then jump in and have some fun with him or her. At the end, thank your child for the fun you shared. Tell him or her you are looking forward to more fun tomorrow.

Re-Boot 2: Eliminate the attention and commentary you give to your children’s unwanted behavior. Acting out is their way to get your attention. If no attention is given, the negative behavior usually gets a little worse at first. They are testing you to see what they have to do for the payoff (your attention). Just keep ignoring it. If you do not engage, the negative behavior starts to disappear. Pretend you didn’t hear it or see it. Get up and go into a different room. Remove yourself from the spectacle. If the referee leaves the room, the fights usually fizzle out, or they resolve it themselves.

Re-Boot 3: Catch them being good. Notice and praise only the good things. This usually produces more good behavior. “Thank you so much for cleaning your place at the table. You do great work.” “Wow, you are learning to use your quiet feet up and down the stairs! You go, boy!” “Let me see those teeth. Whoa, those are sparking! Show me how you scrubbed.”

Hey, it’s not rocket science. But then again, neither is turning your computer off and back on again. It just works. Maybe it’s time to re-boot.

Surviving Children

Can your marriage survive children? Research shows that marriages are particularly vulnerable during the early years, with the addition of children, and when children start to launch from the home. During these times, the culture, families, and the parents themselves all look forward with such great joy and anticipation. But there is another more sobering truth lurking below the surface: These times, in particular, are times of incredible stress and upheaval for couples.

Allow your mind to float back and reminisce about all the wonderful thoughts, plans, and daydreams you and your partner shared when you were pregnant. As a couple, those conversations brought you closer together in many ways.

Now allow your mind to drift back to today, with the little ones scrambling under your feet (or your teenagers tuning you out). While you may have made good on all those hopes and dreams of becoming great parents, many couples report deep strains in their relationships with each other. Underneath the veneer of good parenting, the couple’s relationship is suffering greatly.

In the old TV show Star Trek, when the Enterprise was under heavy attack they divert full power to its deflector shield while leaving just enough internal power for life support systems. (OK, so I’m a guy.) In much the same way, couples during this period often divert all of their energies to the children, barely saving enough for themselves and almost none for the relationship with their partner.

As a marriage and family therapist, I find that struggling couples with children often need to hear that if they don’t “put the oxygen mask on your relationship first” they are in danger of not making it as a couple.

There are tremendous sacrifices that everyone makes along the way to welcome children into families. Most parents make those sacrifices willingly and without question or hesitation. Deep down, everyone is hoping those sacrifices will also benefit the relationship. Children will bring us closer together, we think. In fact, they often do just the opposite. They expose our weaknesses and biggest challenges in relationship.

There is no easy way through this period for couples. Putting your couple’s oxygen mask on first is a way of continuing to make the relationship a priority even in the midst of very busy, long, and tiring days and nights. Staying connected is not easy with the constant demands that children place on parents. It’s definitely not foreplay, to say the very least!

As a couple, maybe it’s time to sit down together and assess where your energies have been going. Can you re-prioritize and put your relationship back near the top of the list? It takes ongoing effort during this period to keep it there. Each couple nurtures their relationship in different ways. What does it look like for you? If you can at least continue to have the conversation, you give your relationship a fighting chance to survive children.

I-N-T-I-M-A-C-Y

Many couples say that it is hard to stay connected during the early years of child rearing. Often, they report a lack of intimacy as the major problem during this time. True intimacy goes far beyond having a date night in order to get re-connected. (Although that can certainly help!) Let’s explore some of the more nuanced aspects of intimacy using the acrostic below. See how many letters resonate with you. Ask your partner to read it, and then compare notes. It just might start you back on the open road to…

I-N-T-I-M-A-C-Y

I – It always starts with “I” doesn’t it? The closer I am to myself, the more relaxed I am in my own skin, and the more “free and easy” I can be with my partner. What are you doing to tend the relationship to your inner self?

N – Never stop building an honest relationship where your partner can feel at ease and comfortable. Only when I am at ease, can I feel secure enough to reach out and draw closer to my partner.

T – Time and time again. Intimacy is that sweet spot of not being too close (suffocating, co-dependent) or too distant (checked out, unavailable). Over and over again, we try and dial into that comfortable, close place together. It waxes and wanes quite naturally in relationships just as it does within ourselves. Can you share with your partner what it feels like right now?

I – In the soup. Intimacy is created in relationships. You can’t learn to ride a bike by just reading about it. You have to get out there and be willing to scrape your knees a bit in order to learn…with your partner. (“Ouch, that hurt! Let’s try again.”) Can you learn the dance together?

M – Much ado about nothing. When I have that intimate connection with my partner, it somehow makes all the fuss and muss of life so much easier to bear–even when we are going through really hard times either individually or together. What was the last hard time that you went through during which you felt really connected?

A – Authenticity. Intimacy blossoms when we are our most honest and authentic selves in any given moment. It takes real courage to be authentic at first. Anything less creates space and distance. And then, that space and distance must be dealt with—sooner or later. Where are the spaces between you and your partner? Can you both talk about it?

C – Choice. At every turn, I can choose to feel what I am feeling, or turn away from my own truths. When I turn away, it takes a while to find my way back home. But once I am there, I am free to invite the ones I love into that sacred space—and just as free to invite them to leave when we have had enough. What are you choosing to do right now?

Y – Yucky stuff! Intimacy reveals the best and worst in each of us in a way that is supportive and actually draws us closer. If you have seen me at my worst, and have not run away, then I can begin trust you and show you more of myself–and vice versa. If I cannot be fully myself with you, intimacy evaporates. I must take care of you by pretending to be whatever version of myself that you want me to be. How have you and your partner held the best and worst of each other?

Bait Your Own Hook, You Big Sissy!

I confess to having been scared of all things creepy-crawly as a boy – a trait I am sure I inherited from my mother. My stepfather took to me fishing once (and only once) as a young boy in an effort to bond. I was excited at the prospect of catching the big one but did not anticipate having to impale slimy worms on razor-sharp hooks in an effort to lure it in.

After baiting the first hook for me and wiping the excess worm guts and juice off on his pants, he expected me to bait the rest after that. There was no way I was going to fish around for a worm in the dark dirt in the bait container, let alone hold one in my hand and impale it on a hook so that I could actually fish around for fish! Needless to say, it was a long, uphill battle for the two of us from then on.

Fast forward three decades and I find myself in conversation with two other dads. One guy, a big, strong former football and baseball player born and raised in the Bronx, lets it be known how much he hates fishing for the same reason. The other dad, another tough-as nails guy who grew up in Canada playing hockey, had a similar experience trying to ice fish with his dad.

So there we are: Three big, burly guys carrying our little boy shame of not quite measuring up with our fathers or stepfathers, and now trying like hell to not make our children measure up for us. Trying not to repeat the past. Trying to say, “Hey, maybe there is a better way – a different way – through the dark forest of fatherhood.” Three dads today who are willing to say, “Hey, it’s perfectly OK. This is gross. I’ll bait your hook for you. No worries. I got your back. Let’s still see if we can have some fun together.” Three dads taking a step further and asking, “What is that you want to do?” And then having the courage to give it a try.

New dads for a new day. Lucky me for having bumped into these guys. It is nice to know that I am not alone in the world. Lucky kids for having such big tender-hearted dads!

Baa Baa Black Sheep

Almost everyone who has siblings will say that someone in the family was a “golden child” and someone else was a “black sheep.” (“You were always dad’s favorite!” or “I stayed in trouble!”)

Who was (is) the golden child in your family? The black sheep? Have those dynamics changed over the years? Were you assigned the role, or did you seek it out? Do you know why?

Some black sheep say they felt unwelcome. (“It was like I was adopted and everybody knew it but me.”) Some golden children, as if by divine decree, are given the keys to the kingdom from the very beginning. But in most cases, the underlying dynamics are complex and operate on very subtle levels.

I wonder where black sheep come from in the first place? Most every family has one for at least some period of time. Do they only show up when the golden child starts to shine too brightly? Once a child has the high ground, does that sentence another to somehow feeling less than?

Realizing they can’t overthrow the golden child, does one of the children naturally just give up the fight and decide to look for new, unclaimed territory? A search for some psychological ground where there is no competition, or no place to be measured and found lacking? Interestingly, black sheep territory is also a space where the light can shine just as brightly as it does on the golden child – albeit for all the wrong reasons.

Parents know that kids don’t care what kind of attention they get, just as long as they get some kind of attention. So, a golden child and a black sheep are really opposite sides of the same coin, and the currency of the realm is a parent’s attention. And kids will do anything to get it. A golden child constellates a black sheep, and a black sheep constellates a golden child. (The argument about the chicken or the egg will be left for another day!)

Is it possible to have a family where there is no black sheep? In order to eliminate the possibility of creating a black sheep, do we have to do away with the notion of having a golden child? What might that look like?

The challenge is as old as parenting itself. Our mythologies, fairy tales, and sacred texts are littered with stories of sibling rivalry, good witches and bad, heroes and villains, lost boys and prodigal sons.

Maybe the work of a parent is to create a flock of gray sheep. In truth, we are all a little bit of both, aren’t we? We have golden qualities that endear us to our loved ones, and we have darker sides that can make us quite prickly and harder to love.

So, as parents, maybe we need to make sure that a child marching toward gold status is held accountable for less than golden behavior, and a child wandering toward the darker side has a constant light shone on his or her golden qualities. Neither all good, nor all bad – just like the rest of us.