The Dad Life!
Nov 08 | Tony | No Comments |I typically feel compelled to write about the hard stuff of fatherhood. (See deepfatherhood). Since I am living it, I am drawn to the shadowy places where many fathers, sooner or later, find themselves.
There is not much in the popular literature about just how hard it can be for a guy to actually become the kind of father that he dreams of being. Our culture tends to paint the darker side of dads into narrow emotional corners: Workaholic Absentee Dad, Angry Bitter Father, Distant Dad, Bumbling Out-of-Touch Man, The Drunk, etc. But as all moms and dads know, there is a whole other side of fatherhood.
Today, it is time to give a nod to that other side of the fatherhood coin: the light and sunny side. It’s that sweet spot men often find themselves in when they surrender into the day-to-day life of being an engaged dad in today’s society. They have survived the changes brought on by pregnancy and childbirth. For men, these changes very often include weight gain, nesting behavior, hormonal changes, relationship change and strain, and even depression. These guys are weathering the storm. They are making it through.
Men who find themselves in this sweet spot have stopped fighting the bit. We are learning that resistance is futile. We are becoming dad. And oh, what a sweet spot it is! All the cliches start to apply. We start living “The Dad Life.” Check out the depiction of The Dad Life in this short 3-minute video of the same name. This is guaranteed to make any dad (or mom) crack a smile at the very least! Watch and enjoy The Dad Life.
As a dad, think about all of the little ‘Dad Life’ moments that you experience day in and day out. Those little taken-for-granted moments, everyday routines (“took my daughty to the potty”), and honey-do’s provide a wealth of opportunities to sink into the good stuff of fatherhood. The guys in “The Dad Life” bring those moments front and center. They turn the drudgery of shuttling kids, mowing lawns, and sweating the small stuff into a celebration of all things suburban and fatherly. It’s the Dad Life!
Tags: the dad life
What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do
Oct 03 | Tony | No Comments |Let’s face it fellas… Being a father (or stepfather) means spending a lot of time in situations where you just don’t know what to do. Many of us are “fix-it” kind of guys. We see a problem, and we try to solve it. If the grass gets long, we mow it. If a tree is rotting, we get a chain saw and cut it down. A ball is thrown, and we try to hit it. We do something. It is engrained in us throughout our lives: fix, solve, do, conquer, attack, defend, etc.
I come across dads who are hammers that treat each child like a nail. (If this sounds familiar, perhaps you yourself were a nail as a child.) Some dads see children as shrubs to be pruned and manicured to be perfect representations of their own egos and hard work. (See, look what I created! Look what I did.)
Being a good dad means spending a lot of time not knowing what to do and having the courage to rest into it. Good dads learn to hang out and be comfortable in that place of not doing. As a dad, if you are trying to find that place, it is located in that vast “gray” space that exists between all of our black and white thinking. Black and white dads are busy trying to do something – anything – to alleviate the discomfort of not knowing what to do. As a result, they aren’t really present with their kids. These dads are often thinking, “I don’t know what to do, but I gotta do something!”
Gray dads (no pun intended) have figured out ways to rest into that uncomfortable place filled with question marks. It is not easy to be there. It takes courage not to act. Being there is not a sign of weakness. Gray dads are decisive, firm, and clear when they need to be. However, they realize that what is called for most of time is their authentic presence in the room. They have come to know that most of the time there is really nothing that can be fixed, no problem to be solved, and nothing to do per se.
So, what do you do when you don’t know what to do? Do nothing. Try and become more present. Breathe deep into your own belly. Accept the fact that you don’t know what to do. Find yourself in the room. Look at your child and really try to just be with them. Let them see you – as much as you are able. Try and create connection. It sounds easy – almost clichéd, but it is really quite a challenge because of our inclination to act.
Black and white dads throw up their hands and storm out of the room saying, “Well, if you won’t take my advice, then I am abandoning ship. You deal with it.” This is their opportunity to check out. What I am talking about is just the opposite. If you can move toward this place with your children, you are actually checking in! You are showing up, perhaps for the first time, in an authentic way. If you do, you will surely find yourself on the path toward deepfatherhood.
Tags: black and white thinking, don't know what to do, lost as a dad
In the News
Aug 31 | Tony | No Comments |
Chores Around the House
A great article on giving young children (ages 2-4) tasks and chores around the house. Real responsibility early on will pay big dividends down the line!
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/benign-neglect/201102/talking-trash-or-taking-it-out
Benign Neglect!?
An anthropologist takes aim modern parenting trends calling for a little more ‘benign neglect’ with our children. The word ‘neglect’ is scary and loaded, yet think about the free time most of us had as kids. (Be home before dark!) With the rise of helicopter parenting, cell phones, and continual worry, maybe its time to have the pendulum swing back the other way just a bit.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/benign-neglect/201010/leave-the-kids-alone
Is your child addicted to the internet?
This is a short blog on the definition of Internet addition from Psychiatric Times. Discerning between addict and avid user is fuel for self-examination.
http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/blog/frances/content/article/10168/2097033
